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Not trusting that white or black men would see beyond my skin color let me stay apart, aloof, even a little superior. There it is, in proper preteen cursive handwriting:"When I grow up, I'm going to marry a surfer with blond hair and brown eyes.It gave me an excuse to overlook the fact that I had trust issues with all men, that my hesitations and presumptions were less about fears of being rejected and more about my anxieties over really being seen. In my mid-30s, I met and married a dark-haired white Australian. He's not going to be a Mexican."Before you judge me, know that I'm a Mexican-American myself. As a child in Oxnard, California, a coastal town near Malibu, I loved hearing my father recite the works of 19th-century poet Amado Nervo, eating (fried pork skins) as an after-school snack, and showing off my limited Spanish slang.I knew what she meant: My caramel-colored skin and curly hair, the product of a '70s-era marriage between a white Midwestern woman and a black Southern man, marked me as the living embodiment of the triumph of love at the time. And my biracial heritage gave me a vantage point to see the world from different perspectives.But in my late teens and early 20s, this didn't prevent me from assuming my own racial blind spots, especially when it came to love.

One day when I was 8 years old, I tagged along with my dad to his job as a janitor at the city airport. Although he had worked there for three years, many people didn't know his name.

Eventually, those fights tore their marriage apart.

To avoid my mother's fate and to live a prosperous life, I knew what to do: not marry a man like my dad.

A white man."My parents' relationship only underscored that message.

For 18 years, I heard them argue about my father's salary, which wasn't enough to afford my mom the lifestyle she wanted.

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