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Afterward, when they’re lying in bed together, Betty says of Don’s new wife, “That poor girl.

She doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.” Harsh.

I told Malcolm about my previous relationships, my fantasies, my heartbreak.

Once, he told me this long, complicated story about an affair he had with his cousin, adding, “That’s not something I tell most people.” Probably wise on his part, but I loved that story, as problematic as it may be, because I loved knowing something about him that no one else did.

Boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my friends with benefits have stood the test of time. That’s longer than I predict my first marriage will last.

And while I can’t imagine being with my Cuba date “for real”—I mean, he’s a low-key homeless anarchist who once took me on date to his Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting; there are red flags—I still value our relationship immensely.

With a little careful work you too can have all of the following: 1. Someone to occasionally change a lightbulb, or get you guestlist, or help you get stuff out of your loft That’s it.

I was curious to know if Malcolm felt the same way I did about all of this, so last week (for strictly journalistic purposes), I paid him a visit.

“Having a friend with benefits is great because it’s just—it’s just less ,” he said, smoking a cigar and dressed in an inexplicable beige silk onesie. It’s not encumbered by obligations, which just lead to resentment.”He then gave me —the one that means he’s about to admit to something despicable and blame it on humanity.

“We are all selfish—we all live in this Ayn Rand–ish self-centered world, whether we like it or not,” he said. You can have your sex-power persona, or you can play the super-misogynist pig, or the bimbo, and it’s okay, because you’re not being judged.

All very embarrassing, and actually very frustrating as I really would have preferred to see Fuck Buddy B that night anyway. I would say that most fuck buddies have a six month period before they start to go a bit bad and you need to put that little yellow ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on them and whack them on the lower fridge shelf.

Like exotic fruit, or non-elasticised tights, or a poorly-executed bikini wax, fuck buddies don’t last long, so enjoy them while you can.

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